Everytime I’m feeling stressed about school or sports or just life in general, someone always says to me, “Well why do you care?”, “How is this going to impact you in the future?”, “Step back and take a look at the big picture.” 

But honestly I don’t want to think about the future. I don’t want to think about how my actions now could impact me later in life. Because that scares the crap out of me.  

My parents beg me to stop building up so much pressure around a 4.0. Around being absolutely perfect. They tell me that one B in chemistry is okay. It’s certainly not the end of the world. But there’s always that one part of my brain that starts spiraling. Screaming, “It most certainly is the end of the world!” 

The spiral always ends up going something like this:

If I get bad grades I won’t get a scholarship.

If I don’t get a scholarship I won’t be able to go to college because I can’t afford it. 

If I can’t go to college I’ll never get an admirable education.

If there isn’t an admirable education there isn’t a resume. 

If there’s no resume then there’s no amazing job. 

If there’s no amazing job then I can’t provide for myself. 

If I can’t provide for myself then I’ll die alone, homeless, in a trash pile on the street. 

Even without the pitiful spiral there are still so many things that come with the responsibilities of being an adult. Getting a roof over your head, applying for loans, registering your car, paying bills, buying insurance, and not starving to death.

It’s the little things that are the worst. When I got my license I didn’t know how or where to get gas. The first time my tank was almost empty I freaked out because I thought I was going to spray gas everywhere or cause an explosion. I had to ask some random stranger how to open my gas cap. Truly embarrassing. 

These things scare me the most. Nobody teaches you about them. You’re thrown out in the world and expected to figure it all out. I feel like I would be the type of person to miss a monthly payment. Not because I didn’t have the money but because I didn’t know how to pay for it or where to send it. Or the person getting tracked down by the IRS because I didn’t know how to file a tax form. 

Nobody talks about how genuinely terrifying it is to face the world. 

Somebody needs to teach me how to file my taxes.