Lately I feel like I never have time to stop and take a breath. All I ever think about is school. Either I’m stressed out of my mind about my workload. Or wishing I hadn’t taken on so much. 

To be honest it feels like a majority of my day is spent doing homework. I constantly have a fear of falling behind. Anytime I want to go for a run or spend a weekend with friends, I’m sacrificing my time. Every hour spent doing something else is an extra hour I have to stay up late, studying, and losing sleep. 

But everything I get done feels ineffective. I always feel disappointed in myself, feeling I could have worked harder and done better. But I’ve already worked so hard that I’ve mentally exhausted myself. I couldn’t possibly work any harder, yet it still feels like I haven’t done enough. 

It doesn’t seem fair that my life has to be so consumed by my schoolwork. But is it my fault for willingly taking on so much? Or is too much being asked of me? 

Over fall break I left on vacation for a week and a half. I was constantly stressed about the school I was missing while I was out of the country. Any free time I had was spent doing homework. Even after that, when I came back home, I spent three weeks trying to catch up. I had to stay after school retaking tests. I spent five to six hours a day doing reading, homework, catching up, and studying. Not only was I doing the work I missed, but I was also having to do the work I was getting in classes that day. I was doing twice the amount of work I normally would. 

I feel like my mental health has decreased as well as my physical health. I’m not exercising, I’m not getting out of my house, I’m never with my friends, and I’m not getting enough sleep. All because I can’t ever find time to separate myself from school. 

I think this is the reason I don’t feel like anything I’m doing is effective. I’m mentally exhausted and down on myself. Of course I’m going to miss a few details in my APUSH notes or forget the phases of the Calvin Cycle. 

But what’s the point of so much work if I’m not going to be able to do it to the best of my ability? What’s the point of doing four hours of studying if I’m not going to be happy with my test score? What’s the point of spending so much time being focused on school if it means I can’t do anything that makes me happy anymore? 

I don’t know if it’s my fault because I took on so much, or if what’s expected of me is unreasonable.