I’m truly addicted to true crime. 

I’m the kind of person that always needs to have a TV series I’m watching. I can’t just watch anything on a whim. This summer I found myself without anything to watch. So I thought I’d try out listening to a true crime series. Which is how I ended up finding myself dug deep into a rabbit hole. 

At first you start out with a simple story, a simple murder. But then you keep going. You listen to podcast after podcast, watch documentary after documentary. It’s guaranteed the stories are going to get continually more disturbing. 

But that’s my problem. I don’t stop when it gets more disturbing. Some dark fold in the back of my mind finds the most disturbing stories to be the most interesting ones. I’ve somehow gotten to that point where I get bored if it’s not gruesome. I’m genuinely shocked as I find myself scrolling through episodes deciding which one to listen to and skipping over one because I think that death by strangulation isn’t exciting enough. 

I’ve decided that there’s three stages to a true crime addiction. Stage one; disturbed but intrigued. Stage two; fear. Stage three; desensitization.

That’s another problem; I’m still in stage two. I can’t go anywhere now without looking over my shoulder. I run to my car at night because I think I’m going to get murdered. I always assume a van with covered windows is on the lookout for small children to abduct. 

Part of the second stage of a true crime addiction is transforming your crippling fear into a mindset which is completely desensitized to everything. To get to the point where you can expose yourself to something so completely disturbing, that other people would turn away in disgust. But you aren’t concerned in the slightest. 

Because here’s the thing about a true crime addiction. At stage one perhaps if you have the willpower you can stop before you go too far. But once you’ve entered stage two there’s no going back. Because if you stop, then you’ll be stuck looking over your shoulder forever. Fear is the worst stage to be stuck in. You have to keep going, trudging forward, without giving up. Eventually you will get to stage three. Eventually you’ll become completely desensitized. 

Because stage three is a good place to sit. Stage three isn’t something to be ashamed of, reaching it is an achievement. I’m going to keep working. I’ll get there. I know I will.