****THIS IS SATIRE****
We all remember fire drills in elementary school. They were teaching us the fundamentals—something we would use for the rest of our lives. But after February 24, something clicked: High school is doing it all wrong. Sure, nobody got eaten by the flames this time, but what about next time? It’s time Timpview started doing it the elementary way.
This is Timpview’s Guide to Fire.
(1) Belongings
I observed many people who brought their backpacks outside with them. I don’t know where they went to elementary school but that’s wrong. You’re not allowed to bring anything with you. Leave your backpack, lunch, phone, maybe take off your shoes while you’re at it. The fire will go after the material things and you’ll be able to escape. Unless you want to be sautéd in the back of the line that is.
(2) Line
Speaking of which: the line. I don’t know why everyone flooded out of their class like a dam just broke because there is only one way to properly exit during a fire. Single file of course—preferably in alphabetical order. Your whole class should line up by last name and fold your arms and wait quietly. (This would be a good time to remove those shoes I mentioned earlier). Your teacher should wait until you all are silently waiting in the line until leading you out of the class.
(3) Walking
Let other classes go in front of you. Chivalry doesn’t die just because you’re about too! Nevermind the fact that the hallway can fit multiple class lines. We don’t want to teach kids to drive on the wrong side of the road. I observed a math teacher start yelling to some students, me included, on the third floor- she wanted us to run! I was appalled! If you are ever in a situation similar to this one- remember to walk. Proceed to follow your teacher outside and to your designated spot. Don’t you stop folding your arms and I don’t care if the fire is gaining- we will walk at a leisurely pace. You know what they say “If you slow down, the fire slows down!”
(4) Spot
You need a spot to meet your class of course. Hmmm, wait! The playground. Yeah, wood chips are the only flammable thing for miles but that’s what makes it so flawless- the fire will never think to look there. Sure, you could walk past the playground to some pavement or parking lot that’s all asphalt- but that’s exactly what the fire wants you to do. The only problem is- Timpview unfortunately does not have a playground. Is this the universe calling to you Timpview? Is a playground needed? Oh well, for now everyone; go stand next to the cars.
Which are filled with gas.
When gas meets oxygen it becomes flammable.
Huh, why is that a problem?
(5) Stop, Drop, Roll, Combust
Finally, this is the emergency procedure in case this flawless escape plan doesn’t work, and you catch on fire. The first step is to stop. You need to stop, take a deep breath, and really enjoy life. Then you need to drop. You better scar from how quickly you hit the ground. As you fall, you can enjoy the fact that stop and drop rhymes. Then you need to roll. Really channel your inner dog. Shake, maybe pant. Don’t stop rolling. Finally, you should combust. We find that the stop, drop, and roll rule is a mercy rule. Once you catch fire- we found the quickest way for it to spontaneously take over your whole body so you don’t have to suffer for too long.
Timpview, this is your call. Maybe the alarm didn’t mysteriously go off to warn us about a fire. Perhaps, it was to warn us for a future time. Now is the time to start fixing the fire procedures. It shouldn’t be too hard—Elementary school already got us started.
