Vending at Timpview

Sometimes you gotta eat but you have no idea what to eat. If you’re too poor to drive to Day’s but not so poor that you don’t have any cash, this is the article for you.

Here are the best and worst items in the Timpview Vending machines


5. BuzzStrong Cookies
These so called “cookies” have the texture of the alfalfa I put in my rabbit’s cage and tastes oddly similar to a Starbucks Caffe Latte. Please consider using that dollar for a UNICEF 50 cents a day program and save some starving children because you’re not gonna wanna finish this monstrosity anyway.

4. Welch’s Fruit Snacks
Honestly, Welch’s are just trash fruit snacks. With so many amazing fruit snack companies out there, Motts, the smiley ones from Walmart, and the OG of fruit snacks, nearly as powerful as Shaggy himself, Scooby-Doo fruit snacks. There’s really no excuse for the school to be feeding us this absolute dog crap. So dry and flavorless, not Juicy Couture at all.

3. Orange Juice
For $2, you can enjoy the smooth sensation of throwing up in your mouth. When I drank this stuff I was genuinely concerned it was expired, but no, it was just that disgusting. For nearly the same price, you could walk to Day’s and get a whole half-gallon of 100% orange juice, not from concentrate no added sugar. That being said, if you ever need to fake an illness à la Ferris Bueler, this is a great alternative to licking your palms (which is pretty gross).

2. Sun Chips
To be honest I just don’t really like Sun Chips. If you like them, however, meet me in the lunchroom when I get a sandwich and I’ll give you mine ツ

1. Any of the Cereal Bars (Besides Rice Crispy Treats)
Just look at this. Who would do this to coco puffs ;(


5. Doritos Nacho Cheese
Everybody likes Doritos, each crunchy chip coated in delicious savory powder that might as well be orange crack, these are the CHANEL of chips.

4. Diet Mountain Dew
I’m just including this for all you Lana del Rey fans and Stefan. Powerfully sweet but try not to punch any drywall while caffeinated.

3. Corn Nuts
An 80s classic, these are great if you have like crunchy things or extreme bursts of sodium. These will also last through a nuclear bomb, so they’re great food storage for your zombie apocalypse survival-kit.

2. Pop Tarts
I personally prefer the strawberry, but the cinnamon is good too. These are great if you’re pretty hungry and just want a quick snack between classes. That being said, last year these were the same price but you got two; capitalism, man.

1. Rice Crispy Treats
I cannot stress how many times these little bars have saved me from complete starvation before lunch. If heaven is real, angels use these as bricks for the gates. But don’t waste your quarters on the ones with chocolate chips, they add nothing to the taste and look like tiny rabbit poops. Not very appetizing.


Water! Hydration is key to a good education and outrunning the bourgeoisie! Drink up, comrade!


Public Service Announcement:

The student body has a say on what is put into our vending machines, but no one really uses it. The food added and removed from machines is based on what students buy, but if you talk to Mrs. Morgenson in the main office you can request your favorite snack, so long as it fits the USDA’s Smart Snacks in Schools guidelines and is carried by our vending machine providers, Choice Vending Supply. There’s no guarantee it’ll be added, but a request can be put in if there’s enough demand. #BringBackMuddyBuddies #WhatHappenedToTheTampico