Disclaimer: this is SATIRE! This is not a diss on anyone!! I look up to high achievers and admire people who are passionate about what they love. I appreciate teachers and what they do. That being said…
As rebellious teens, what could be better than going against your natural circadian rhythms? Opening your eyes to a pitch black room when your alarm rings is honestly one of the most invigorating things you can experience, and day after day, it doesn’t lose that magic. Waking up before sunrise gives me more joy than I already feel from school itself; A sense of accomplishment from winning that daily race against a giant star in the sky.
Walking to the bus before 7 a.m. is like a fairytale, especially in the winter. Good thing we don’t “fall back” with daylight savings until November, otherwise we’d miss out on the enchanting experience of seeing our breath and squinting up at the moon, when we could otherwise still be so uncomfortably resting in our beds. I’m glad my dark street doesn’t have any streetlights. I might slip and fall on January ice, or freak out every time I hear something behind me, but street lamps just aren’t worth the light pollution. This way, I can see Orion’s belt, and sometimes even one of the Dippers.
You get to show up at school with half a bagel as your breakfast, which for me is really just motivation to make it through my classes and get to lunch. Some of the teachers have gotten to the school even earlier than you, so they can really relate. They’re super nice to you first period and go slower on their slideshows, and NEVER expect people to participate or energetically share their opinions.
Once lunch finally rolls around, it really gets exciting. Texts to friends take forever to send because the internet connection is non-existent. But I like it this way because it’s like a treasure hunt–finding everyone and gathering at a table. My assortment of snacks (“lunch”) is half gone because I’ve been eating them in class instead. Now, what could be better than having 40 minutes to eat a bag of pretzels? This is really nice because you can have some really deep conversations with your friends and procrastinate going to fourth period, which always feels like the longest class.
One of the best parts of getting home is sitting down at a perfectly clean desk, and pulling out a super sleek Chromebook to work on your quick and easy homework. Now it makes sense why our classes are only one and a half hours long. This is much better than like a 10 hour school day. And why would we use that last 30 minutes of class to work on homework when we can work at home from 3:00 to 10:00 at night? That’s still PLENTY of time to work, and we can get up and get snacks and get distracted and get help from our older siblings, AND we get extra time in class to learn even more than ever possible in just an hour!
It’s really hard to beat the homework from AP classes. You might get 35 9-part statistics problems, which will take at least three times as long as the teacher promises: “You should be able to finish this in 63 minutes!” Sure, maybe if you’re a robot. Or you could get lucky and not have any assigned homework, and instead just remember to commit to studying AP biology for 25 minutes every day, so you can actually pass the next test. You might be reading and finishing a stack of thick books before the end of the term, or get the opportunity to work on an overdue essay that the teacher announced this morning!? Now thats what I’m talking about!
But whatever it might be, good thing you’re taking more than 10 APs every year!! You gotta make sure you’re comparing yourself to all of your friends, and people you don’t even know, so that you can get that extra boost of morale to keep you going. I really hope you took AP Hugo your freshman year! Bonus points if you failed the test. (Yes, I’m looking at YOU.) And I hope you were taking at least 3 others besides AP World in 10th grade, because cramming for absurdly algorithmic tests before summer vacation is what everyone dreams of. I mean, if they’re “booby-trapped,” they’re actually easy, because all you need to do is learn how to beat the system!
When you’re in class, the teachers are usually pretty great at helping you prep for the tests. They’ll make sure to teach you how to cut corners on your essays and take shortcuts in your physics problems so that you can get a 5 in the least amount of time, with the least amount of knowledge necessary. This really comes in handy when you’re trying to make connections and learn about the real world, because you have just enough information to form a couple of nice sentences and sound super professional, which will help you get a job and be accepted into college. Who cares about actually knowing things; you just have to get accepted, and the rest should be easy.
If you’re still being hard on yourself and feeling bad because you’re only taking three APs instead of 7, I invite you to read this inspirational article: What Makes a Sterling Scholar?. After reading about the normal, boring accomplishments of these students (like doing hundreds of hours of volunteer work, interning for a state representative, receiving multiple superior state awards, winning top awards in science fairs and math competitions, participating at high levels in music and sports, and being the president of multiple major clubs), you can find some motivation to do better. If they can do all that on top of getting a master’s degree during high school, then you can definitely finish reading your 400 page book in one night. It’s not that hard.
These incredible students love school and love the things they do. They don’t ever get overwhelmed or stressed. And they have the talents people really look for. If you like a different subject, or are inspired by something not included on the sterling scholar list, maybe you should rethink your life choices. Or your personality. Or opinions.
After you fit your interests into this list, you need to make sure you really lock in on one. I mean, you’re already in high school, so you should have something to dedicate every minute of your free time to. So quick, be passionate!! What do you want to do for the rest of your life? Now is the time to decide! NOW!
And whether your interests and talents are socially accepted or not, at least you’ve found something that really defines you, right? Even if you maintain a 4.0 GPA throughout high school, that’s not cool enough. So be cool! and find something everyone will know you by. If your interests fall into a category outside of school, at least you still have plenty of time to do the things you’re passionate about! Go into cosmetology, start a cake business, or get a job. You do need something to do during those hours you sit at home with a blank to-do list.
And when you finally graduate, I hope that you’re dripping in cords. Oh, did I not mention that earlier? You should commit to something specific so that you can lock in, yes. But also, be well rounded! Not just by taking a variety of classes or actually learning something new and important, but by taking enough advanced classes and doing enough extra curriculars for each subject so that you can earn your academic letters and accolades! You just won’t look as cool if your shoulders aren’t struggling under the weight of your simmering achievements.
Anyway, now that you have your diploma, go and live a great life! Don’t follow your dreams, remember? Because they’re probably lame. Spend extra time in your cubicle, don’t pursue your passions, because what really matters is that promotion. No one really cares if what you have to bring will make a change for the better. Just go along with the customs and rules, and things will probably work out in the end. Please, reality is too big, too bright of an aspiration. Cultural expectations are where it’s at! So cover that “aspiration” up in stacks of paper and overflowing digital files.
I hope you remember those facts about Angkor Wat and the Abbasid Caliphate. And about how mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. That’ll help you when you’re working on paying your taxes and bills. And when you’re raising your first child.
Because your big work project is due tomorrow and you need to make your boss happy, use Chat GPT. It might not be something original, but that doesn’t seem to matter anyway, so you’re good to go! Don’t risk anything. Creating something actually worth something might just change the world, and of course, we wouldn’t want that.
So, I’m glad you went to school!! For 12 years. (And college too, naturally.) Because how else will you get a job or “keep up with the Joneses” if you don’t have another piece of paper to prove that you sat down for midterms and accumulated credits? Now that you’ve learned so much, and in a much quicker way than you could’ve on your own, you’re officially prepared for life.
