Boy’s Soccer Team’s stimulating fundraiser

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Niccolo Rosborough

After years of no one giving a crap about Boys Soccer, the players decided to take it upon themselves to change this. They started by investigating why the Girls Soccer team has a much larger fanbase.

The investigation concluded that over 80 percent of attendees at the Girl’s Soccer games were present mainly for the shorts.  “They have hot bods, and short shorts, so it’s no wonder they get a crowd,” an anonymous fan said. With the new information, the Boy’s Soccer team quickly implemented the needed changes in their uniforms.

“You do what you gotta do,” one of the coaches said.  “So we decided to purchase shorts four inches shorter than previous years.  We’ve already seen tremendous success. Fan turnout has tripled since last year and we’ve already received more cheers in the first game than the previous two years combined.”

People that were of particular interest to the players were the cheerleaders, “The cheerleaders were never very happy to cheer for our games,” one player said.  “But since we’ve changed the uniforms, the cheerleaders can’t stay away. They cheer for every game now.”

Aside from no one caring about soccer the biggest problem has always been the budget. In fact the team went into debt to pay for the shorts. But the coaching staff isn’t worried, because apart from being a way to draw in spectators the players came up with new and innovative ways to incorporate the shorts into their fundraisers.

“All of our fundraisers have failed in the past because we lacked motivation,” one player said, “We thought that we could come up with new fundraisers that we would enjoy and bring in more money.”

The culmination of their ideas was selling car washes and kisses, showing off their new attire. A basic car wash is five dollars, but for five more the team will wash the car shirtless. For an additional five you can get a premium car wash in which a player of you choice sits in the car with you to make the entire experience as enjoyable as possible.

The head coach is very excited for the fundraiser, “We’ve seen more enthusiasm for this fundraiser than was shown for any of our games, both from the fans and the players.”

Projections made by the Boy’s Soccer team nerd foresee this as the most profitable fundraiser in Timpview’s rich history.