All Timpview funds are being diverted to football. The drama program is now completely broke, boys’ basketball can’t pay for uniforms, our cheerleading team has sold all pom-poms and the soccer teams no longer have a net for goalposts. An anonymous drama student commented “I feel pretty upset because we have a hole in our stage and we don’t have enough money for costumes so my costume is a bed sheet which isn’t even bad compared to other costumes. The sound booth has a mold problem and the microphone system works every once in a while. There isn’t any money to get it fixed and all proceeds from our upcoming performance are being funneled to football.” A member of the swim team noted “They sold our bus so we can’t get to school. We practice every morning before class and are late because we have to get rides with each other. We are constantly late to school, but it’s blamed on us for not getting ready fast enough.”

The funds taken from these other programs have already been used to get a contract with the slightly more expensive Fiji Water. It is also worth noting that a fleet of gold-plated limousines was purchased to drive players from their houses to games and school. These improvements to the football team are being used to improve attendance and team spirit at football games. While walking to your cars we will get to watch all the limos drive away while they drink their overpriced drinking water. “The limos are outfitted with 70-inch TVs and mini-fridges that can hold, like, 20 bottles of water,” stated football coach Donny Atuaia.

According to a new study from the newly-established Timpview Football Scientific Research and Development Department (TFSRD), the more is paid for water the more water molecules it contains meaning that the players get more water from drinking less water.

All of these changes are supposed to help our team in their upcoming tournament in Rhode Island no one has heard of. Come to the new runway on Thursday at 7:30 am to see them off in their brand new private jet.