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The Thunderbolt

Mayor Kaufusi Announces “Phase 2.5”


Even in the midst of rapidly rising COVID-19 cases, the city government is still increasing mandatory school attendance. This controversial decision has sparked a lot of turmoil in the school district and the Provo city government alike. Chances are that you have heard about the transition, but not many people know what it is.

Kaufusi held an unannounced press conference at around 12 pm on Tuesday—only city officials and the media were invited. Unfortunately, a mix-up led to the Zoom link being given to The Thunderbolt instead of KSL, so we’re covering it instead. When everyone had arrived, Nate Bryson, board member of District 1, spoke first. “The Provo City School District has decided to build upon the ‘Three Phase’ program due to the inconsistent infection rates that are currently on the rise. Many secondary schools across the state have switched between Phases 1, 2, and 3 repeatedly. Phase 3 is too dangerous and Phase 2 doesn’t allow for the level of education the citizens of Provo have come to expect. We have decided that what would work best for our students and teachers is an in-between phase, a ‘Phase 2.5.’ This phase is designed to keep our students safe while maximizing learning potential.”

Kaufusi spoke next, pulling a stack of notecards from her jacket, which she read from for her entire explanation. “First off, we’re returning back to the alphabetical system. A-K students will show up to school at their normally scheduled times on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Fridays. They will go to their first period class as normal. At 9:42 am, the L-Z students will come to school. They are expected to go to their first period class as well—it is possible that an L-Z student’s first period is the same as an A-K student’s second period. At 10:43, all A-K students are excused. If this happens while they are in a class, they will leave anyway. They will resume this class during their next school day where the teacher will finish the lecture. Regardless of what classes the teachers are backed up on, L-Z students are still going to arrive at 9:42 am. This makes it possible that a student will only have a few minutes of their first class.
“Students also now have no school on Thursdays, instead of Fridays, for financial reasons. On Wednesday, L-Z students will go to school at the normal time while the A-K students will come at 9:42.

“It is worth noting that the class periods can get very backed up in this way. If it gets too out of hand, the principal can decide to reset everyone to their first period. He or she may do this whenever they feel like it, usually if students petition for it. They are not required to give any notice. The teachers can most likely determine how they want to go about it under the principal.

“These rules apply to all schools regardless of what time the individual schools usually start. The purpose of this phase is so that all students can come to school every day while still limiting contact to only one hour and one minute. I am sure that the children will have very little difficulty adjusting to the new rules. Oh, and one more thing: school lunches are no longer free, as we’re upping the statewide price to six cents a meal for economic reasons. Thank you.”

She was met with looks of confusion and many reporters wanting to ask questions. According to Mark Haynes of District 11, a Phase 2.75 is already in the works.

The rest of the school board was not available for questions.

DISCLAIMER: This article is intended to be satirical and does not feature real quotes or facts.

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About the Contributor
Elijah Harker
Elijah Harker, Editor-in-Chief
Editor in Chief of The Thunderbolt, class of '24. I keep bees and collect typewriters. I am often confused

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  • J

    JayDec 17, 2021 at 11:40 AM

    This article was very informative. I have to commend you on your excellent documentation of Mayor Kaufusi’s spontaneous press conference and the controversy around Phase 2.5. It will be truly intriguing to find out what happens when Phase 2.75 comes out. It is good to see that the Mayor is taking steps into including the school district into the equation. I, unlike the reporters, think that this plan of action will be a perfect success.

  • C

    CalixMar 17, 2021 at 11:43 AM

    who’s joe

  • Y

    yesFeb 16, 2021 at 9:50 AM

    same bro

  • ‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎Feb 9, 2021 at 8:17 AM

    i have no idea what i am doing