Satire: Mr. Wheatley ties the knot


Niccolo Rosborough

After years of gallivanting across BYU campus and through the halls of Timpview as the most eligible bachelor in Provo (according to a his ranking on Mingling Mormon Men), Mr. Wheatley is ready to settle down and tie the knot.

“It’s a shame,” one of his close friends said. “We used to spend Friday nights together, and I thought nothing would be able to come between us. Little did I know I had underestimated the craftiness of women and now I have lost my Fortnite Squad mate.”

Students at Timpview are also feeling the affects of this mournful event. For lunch his classroom used to be a hub of activity, but now he spends many of his lunches with his fiancée.

“Before for lunch I’d always go to his room and he’d relate his secrets of success to us.  Without his advice I never would’ve become the player that I am. Whether it be my skills of slaying the girls or scoring goals in FIFA, I credit it all to Wheatley,” an anonymous student said.

Even the president of Timpview’s Conspiracy Theorist Club thought it was a bad idea.

“I think she’s definitely after the money. Wheatley is the second most successful geography and psychology teacher at Timpview and became the head varsity men’s soccer coach after only three years. He even owns his own photography company. He’s definitely going places, and she’s just there for his paycheck.”

Despite all his adversaries, the most opposed group to him marrying are his soccer players.

“Wives are so demanding. I’m worried that he’ll want to spend more time with her than with his team,” one player said. “A wife who understands that soccer is more important than they are is rarer and more valuable than a 1963 Ferrari GTO, and I really hope he found one or the team might have to hold an intervention for his own good.”

Though the overwhelming consensus is that his marriage will bring great problems and that statistically 100% of people who were divorced got married first, there are some that still support him.

“Mini-Wheats [Mr Wheatley] is a great guy and we’ve had a lot of fun together for the three years we’ve known each other. I wish him the best of luck and I’m happy to see that he’s happy. He’s also a pretty responsible guy, I have full confidence he’ll be able to find a good split of his freetime between soccer and his wife. Perhaps 60/40 respectively.”