Satire: Timpview stops getting Naked

Marco Santa Maria

Timpview High School was notorious for its’ continuing support of the “Let’s Move” health campaign that Michelle Obama started even after the Obamas left office.

Beyoncé released a music video called “Move Your Body” to promote child activity alongside the campaign. It was to save the lives of children, but made teenagers lives worse by not only changing their lunches but trashing their vending machines just like most teenagers would do to the new lunches.

“This was a matter of childhood obesity,” an anonymous philosopher said, “a problem that more or less is just a solution to overpopulation.” Yet its affects went all the way up to the highschool level, and Timpview moved to be right with it.

The water vending machines have been around for some time and yet we were on the cusp of new culinary enjoyment, when the school finally put in food vending machines last year. The only problem was that these machines were of Michelle Obama, only selling healthy(ish) concoctions bred from roughage (look it up).

A Timpview student anonymously said these vending machines “were the reason I didn’t eat breakfast in the morning… and were straight trash”. Another student said, “more evil than good was being done due to the immoral addition of the product ‘Naked juice’” (#notsponsered).




Did the campaign really want a bunch of obese children “moving their bodies” and getting Naked to promote healthy eating? We don’t need this product to lose weight, leaving us wondering why Michelle wanted us to get Naked in the first place?

But now we have real vending machines. Ones that don’t ask us to get Naked in front of the school or even tell us how much exactly we have to pay until we do. A perfect marriage of both unhealthy snacks and spending too much; we no longer live under the reign of Michelle Obama.

The President of Timpview’s obesity club said, “Let’s move our bodies toward the new junk food machines and then find a hyuge chair to enjoy it in.”