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The Thunderbolt

Timpview's official news site

The Thunderbolt

M&M’s Magic Love Advice: Acquire the Boo for Valentine’s Day

Week One: Get an S.O. for Valentine’s Day

Do you struggle with teenage love? Are you worried about not having a boo this Valentine’s? Do you have a crush, but just can’t quite figure out what to do about it? Well do we have a solution for you! M&M’s Magic Love Advice is here and ready to answer Timpview’s top questions about the mysteries of love.

DISCLAIMER: M2’s replies are intended to be satirical and just in general bad advice.

Q. How do you get a guy to quit being so shy and do something for you for Valentine’s Day?

The most important aspect of any relationship, romantic or otherwise, is communication. You have to remember that he’s just as clueless, if not more so, than you are, and his intentions and desires could be drastically different from yours.

Find a time to sit down together and have a face-to-face discussion about your feelings, your expectations, and your goals for each other. But make sure to also consider the possibility that he might want you to stop being passive and do something for him as well\; relationships are a two-way street, and you can’t just wait for progress without taking action yourself.

Do something for HIM! Make HIM feel special!!! Doing something for each other for Valentine’s Day connotates already being in a relationship or at least having shared feelings. If you’re worried he doesn’t quite know if he should do anything for you, maybe have a friend talk to him, ask him what he has planned. If this question is based on a crush, however, you might need to make the first move. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


I agree. Make sure to talk through things or nothing will change. Communicate what you want from him, how you want it from him, how much time he has to give it to you, how you’ll post those terrible middle school pictures unless he gives it to you, how if he tries to tell anyone, everyone will see them. Those tactics always work when I really want a guy to do something for me.

Otherwise, just play hard to get, I find that straight blocking him and ignoring him everytime he tries to talk to you really adds that enticing thrill every guy craves. He’ll be wrapped around your finger and you’ll be lounging on one of those Costco teddy bears with boxes of fancy chocolates surrounding you in no time.


Q. What do I do to make a guy completely fall in love with me?

The idea that the way to attract the opposite sex is through some kind of ritualistic and convuluted fashion is inaccurate in many ways. The most important thing to realize when trying to gain an emotional and romantic connection is that guys are the same as girls, and creating nuanced differences in dating won’t lead anywhere.

Think about what you want in a relationship and what makes you fall in love with someone, and replicate what you’re attracted to. Become the kind of person that you’d fall in love with, and when a guy falls in love with you you’ll know it’s because you’re the same. Don’t worry about things you don’t care about; don’t fake interest in movies, make yourself extra “quirky” for attention, or anything else that you’re uncomfortable with. If nobody currently loves you, it just means you haven’t met enough people or made close friendships with enough guys. The best way to have an amazing partner is to befriend as many guys as possible and love them platonically, moving to romance once it feels right for both parties.


In my experience, there’s only one way to guarantee results in a situation like this: kidnap his pet, holding it for ransom until your boy loves you. Send cute love notes about how until your feelings are reciprocated, old Spot is going to continue being locked up in your basement with only the rats to live on. Use all of your favorite Snapchat filters on videos and selfies with his dog to create an emotional link, mentally connecting yourself and his animal and forcing him to love you. Capture his cat’s scent by boiling the furballs into a perfume and wear it around him. Study his pets’ every behavior and mannerism, then copy them in subtle ways at school to increase his affection for you.

If that doesn’t work, I’ve found that emotional suppression, vague responses to his questions, showing little interest in his personal life, ignoring his texts, having no time for him, actually making plans with him but not showing up, talking about how fun it is to reject boys, laughing at his insecurities, and refusing to be emotionally vulnerable has a high chance of success if you want him to truly love you.


Q. How can I get a girl?

First step to getting a girl: establish an emotional connection with her. You can joke around all you want, but if she doesn’t feel like you understand or care about her emotions, you don’t have a chance, man. Late night talks are always good in this regard. Talk to her, find commonalities, hang out with her, and if you aren’t already friends, BECOME FRIENDS!!!! It’s hard to make the jump from nobodies to dating. Be respectful and understanding. Let’s be real, good guys always finish first when it comes to a good relationship.

Also, the number one thing that gets couples together at Timpview are dances (trust me, that’s how I started dating my boo, I’ve also had plenty of friends get together at dances), if you’re just her friend, but you want her to see you as something more, take her to a dance, plenty of friends go to dances so it’s a non-awkward way to take her on a date and smooth your way in there.


Getting a girl to like you isn’t actually difficult at all; All you need is M&M’s Magic Love Advice Official Guide to Magic Love and More Love-Related Subjects, Including Romance, Dating, Friends with Benefits, Friendzoning, and More, (or MMMLAOGtMLaMLRSIRDFwBFaM for short) now on sale for only $99.99!

But if you don’t want Amazing Advice for an Affordable Price™ then you can always just follow one simple rule: have confidence. Come to class shirtless to show off your amazing abs. Buy needlessly expensive cars and Supreme shirts. Don’t forget to whistle at girls as they walk down the hall (they really love that!!!!), objectify them behind their backs (disrespect is HOT), and replace emotional conversations with making out (PERFECT!!!!). Confidence is key.

Please buy our book. M1 isn’t going to feed me if we don’t sell enough copies.


If you don’t see what you want answered here, email us with your questions at [email protected] or submit a paper question outside Chausow’s room, U-28.

DISCLAIMER: Again, M2’s replies are intended to be entirely satirical. Please don’t take them seriously.

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  • S

    singleFeb 20, 2020 at 12:35 PM

    so u have to friendzone someone to get a date? cuz if thats true then i should be married my now

  • B

    big ppFeb 14, 2020 at 11:23 AM

    This is the best advice, now I lost the only female friend that I had thanks. 🙁