Valentines dates done right

With every February, the feeling of romance surrounds us, love and pheromones filling the air. With each new season of passion and flirting comes a period that arrives where every single student feels the need to ask their special someone on a date. But not just any date. These junctures are planned out to be the most fantastic, the most romantic, the most splendidly flirtatious, passionate, and affectionate dates. It must be perfect.

So many of our student body is under the impression that they are the epitome of romance. Capable of the passion of Romeo and Juliet, but the tenderness of the Obamas. Well, I hate to break it to you kids who are under the false impression that they’re the next John Legend, but you’re not. Now don’t let those tears fall down just yet, because I, Luke Eliason, the smartest man in the world when it comes to love, am here to happily, yet grudgingly, tell you how you can up your date game just in time for Valentines.

First we have to pick the activity. Skiing, laser tag, bowling—all of those are overdone. Every gal and guy has been there and done that. No, I’m talking real activities. The most fun dates are the ones that haven’t been done. I’m talking going to the library and “silently reading.” Nothing excites more than sitting next to each other on some stiff wooden chairs from 1950 while obediently listening to the librarian lecture on the benefits of library etiquette. Oh yeah. Silently hum George Michael’s “Careless Whisper” together and hoo boy, you’ve got the most smokin’ hot date on your hands. Not steamy enough for you? Fret not. Got a gamer date? Go over to their house and watch their younger siblings play the hit iPhone game Raid Shadow Legends. If you’re lucky you’ll get them to airplay it. Just you, them, and Raid Shadow Legends. What could be a better date? You can thank me later.

Now that we’ve covered the important topic, it’s about time that we just delve into some general tips. First off, if you’re at a fancy restaurant, assume that your date is paying for everything. We have to remember that in a way, a date is a treat for yourself as well. If they’re paying, then go ahead. Treat yourself. When you’re halfway through the $80 lobster and the waiter comes with the check and your date confronts you about splitting the bill, that’s when you lose it. Screw the current norm! Arguing puts drama in your relationship. Like they say, every good relationship argues. Once that’s over and you’ve wisely boxed yourself into dropping $80 on a lobster, your relationship will be all the better. Take an unprecedented interest into every time they take their phones out. If you ask who they’re texting regardless of if they’re even texting at all, they’ll feel good about themselves, knowing that their date cares about their activities. Why stop there? If you can get their Apple ID password out of them, you can see every text they recieve. Life hack. Your Valentines date should feel valued knowing they left such a lasting impression that their date wants to know everything they say, hear, and write. This should help build a better connection between the two of you.

Although my valuable and limitless knowledge could continue to leave my lips and grace the screen which you are reading right now, I do not, however, have all the time in the world. What I have told you here is but the very tip of an iceberg that stretches through the Earth’s vast core and out the other side. I pray that you’ll take this to heart, and make this Valentine’s day, the best you’ve had yet.